Slowandtight

Hello Dr. Neder,

I read your answer to Jackson's question about his ex-girlfriend and it hit me like a much needed dose of self-esteem, so I thought I'd see if you could help me in the same way. My ex-girlfriend is 11 years older than me and owns her own house. I rent a flat but was house sharing when we met. Things were very nice for nearly two years, before I moved into her house with her last May (her idea, but I let it happen, thus giving up my independence and her all the power, since it was her space and had been for 10 years - she'd never lived with anyone before - and paid all the bills, all I did was pay her rent each month). Things started to unravel, we both like our own space, 3 months later I had to move out to give us space, she didn't like this and felt like a failure, two months further and things became weird, communication faltered and we agreed to time apart and a further two months later (just before Christmas, by which time my confidence had been shot and I was doing all the things that women don't want in a relationship, eg she had the power, I was chasing etc.). Three weeks ago yesterday she made it clear I no longer fit the bill and she wanted someone with confidence.

In the last three weeks I've kept No Contact and its helping me adapt back to being myself again and recovering my self-respect/re-balancing the power she had over me towards the end. She has sent me the odd text asking if I'm ok and about a week ago texted to remind me that she still would like to meet up if I did too.

Since then I've been quite confused but much better this week. My options as I see are: a. do nothing and move on but if she contacts again then be friendly and go along with her suggestions; b. do nothing and move on but if she contacts me again reply with friends isn't going to work for the following reasons or; c. do nothing and move on but push one off contact to ask how she is and try to find out what sorta friendship she wants.

If you ask me how I feel about her and our relationship I would say that on the one hand it's a relief that it's over but on the other that I still feel I can offer her something.

If you ask me how I feel about the possibility of friendship then I would say on the one hand I feel this would just make it easier to move on, tell her family and friends that we're still friends and keep hold of me in her life, and I don't want this. On the other hand I'd like to remain open to the possibility of this and/or anything else without being the one to do any running or the risk of over compromising myself/getting hurt again when she dates someone else or spending too much time thinking about this friendship without moving on properly.

Can you help?

___________________________

Hello.

Really? Really? Is a friendship all you think you deserve with this woman? Think about this: your self-confidence was undermined (not by her by the way, but it was nonetheless). So, what does she do? She tells you she's no longer interested in dating you, but could be your "friend" instead. Hey! Welcome to the consolation prize!We all go through ups and downs in our lives and those cause self-doubt and self-esteem issues. She's been through this just as you have. That's just the way things work. However, YOU stuck by her, didn't you? You were there to boost her up when she needed you.

What did she do? She probably pulled away causing you even more issues and finally, she decided to dump you.

I want you to take that image and burn it into your mind. That's some cold sh*t there and now you're asking me if you should go back for more of this? Is that really all you think you're worth with her – friendship?

You are due exactly what you expect you're due but remember: it works both ways. Having good things happen in your life will cause your self-respect to grow, but working on your self-respect will also cause good things to happen to you. It's the original "two-way street"!

When you act out of fear (be it from loss or rejection or whatever) you serve to further undermine your self-respect. When you act as someone that deserves to win - whether you believe it or not - you start winning again. When you start winning again, you further boost your self-esteem and self-respect. It's a spiral up or a spiral down - your choice - but its build entirely on your own actions, thoughts and beliefs. That's the way life works. It's not my rule by the way - it was here before I arrived.

So, how would a guy that deserves to be respected and stood by by his girlfriend act? He sure as hell wouldn't expect a consolation prize of "friendship"! He'd tell that girl that she was a blind idiot for not seeing this and not standing by her man and has lost him while he went out to find a smarter girl that understands these things.

Guess what that would do to your ex-girlfriend? Do you think she'd start seeing that you hadn't really lost - or at least, regained - your self-respect?

But then, you have a choice to make. Will you settle for someone that doesn't have your back when you need her, or move on to find a woman that does?

Yep, that's the choice I'd make too. Happy hunting!

Best regards...

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